Who is Dezi Golden
WHO AM I?
My name is Dezi Golden and I'm a self-admitted serial Help-Others-Junkee. This comes from a childhood riddled with CPTSD (childhood post-traumatic stress disorder) and a society that accepts and perpetuates extreme narcissism. Thirty-seven years later I'm finally winning (yay!) I now help others, just like you, go from “Human Doing” to HUMAN BEING! I'm the Intimacy Life Coach that can change your life!
You ARE good enough,
you always have been,
and I'm just the Help-Others-Junee who'll show you why.
Well, I'm a lot like you, and I care about helping you love life. It really does matter. Life is just too damn short to be unhappy! Lol. Amongst the many hats I wear, from Intimacy Life Coach, Author, Reiki Master & Healer, Massage Therapist & Instructor, Tantrika, and Feng Shui Practitioner, I wear my HelpOthersJunkee hat the most. I'm not a doctor, nor will I ever be, it's just not my calling in this life. Have I wanted to heal and help people like a doctor does? Oh my yes, ALL my life. But, the medicine I'm interested in is the kind you already have on the inside. Where true healing (in my experience) lies.
It started in childhood and into my teens, developed deeper in my young adulthood as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) riding on an ambulance to help people at their worst. From there, I ventured into Law Enforcement as an officer, attempting to create a stable career being in the service of humans...again, at their worst. I lasted about two loooong years in that career and realized there wasn't much helping going on, it was more like reaction to crimes and attempted rehabilitations, that never got to the nucleus of the true issues. I didn't want to punish others into healing, I wanted to help them heal with their truth...that they were ENOUGH. I wanted to be myself and walk my truth and in a political environment that didn't work for me.
I began finding it very difficult to be me. At the time, I didn't realize this triggered me greatly from my childhood, where I was to be “seen and not heard”, furthering my CPTSD. I made the difficult decision to “jump ship” on my law enforcement career choice and jumped (lol, punny) right into another disciplined career (I thought) in martial arts. I thought it was another environment where I could help children, their parents, and their families, affecting positive change in their lives. I craved, truth and rules, significance and purpose I couldn't get from my childhood emptiness. I was thinking that's what makes people heal, giving them what I ultimately needed. I had no idea I was “projecting” and feeding my co-dependence, instead of growing my independence. I thought I could be PROACTIVE in helping kids and teens (and their parents) so they wouldn't have to feel what I did. Be proactive, instead of REACTIVE to their behaviors and crimes, like I'd done in Law Enforcement. I did do a lot of good for others, I was also able to be with my own children on the karate floor and raise them with me, instead of them having so much public schooling exposure. I tried to grow a business, keep my family together, and heal other families all at the same time as if I were some superwoman or something lol. This was also another symptom of my CPTSD I was so desperately tried to function with. DO, DO, DO, DOOOOOOOOO. I was “doing” instead of “being” because helping was the drug I could use to mask the pain I was in. I ended up exhausted, burning my candle at both ends, focusing way more on the “physical” aspects of healing. (Thats what we're taught in society). If you don't feel good on the inside, just go fix the outside. This only furthered my self-abuse and pushed the mind and soul work I needed to do to the back of the line. This was where the straw began to break the camel's back, so to speak.
At the young age of thirty-one, my body began to breakdown. I blamed myself for trying too hard at achieving four black belts and trying to be a great instructor. Success is another band-aid we learn to put before our true needs.
Somehow I got it into my head that if I worked harder I'd be rewarded with happiness.
I had no idea the human body should only endure six hours a day of work. I pushed past twelve, sixteen, and even eighteen hours of work so achievement and money could prove my happiness. Neither ever made me happy, truth be told. My DO, DO, Doing (especially for narcissists) took me away from being present for my precious children, kept me in constant denial about my shitty marriages, and family relationships, and broke my body in ways I can never repair (balding is a symptom of CPTSD in many). I gained weight no matter what, ten pounds a year in fact until I was a whopping 250lbs! Sure, I accepted what others would say like, “Oh, after you reach thirty the metabolism slows down and the weight packs on. It's all uphill no matter how much you try.” but, that didn't make much sense to me since I was in a career centered around working out six days a week! And food. Was food addictive for me? Oh my yes, (carbs and sugar) but I was eating normal quantities as I'd always done and getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I didn't know it at the time, but food was my drug of choice like “helping co-dependence” was, I used it to soothe my CPTSD and childhood trauma, and it was packing on in strange ways.
My adrenals were beginning to fatigue. My hair went to white instead of gradually turning gray. I began snoring which then packed on more weight in the adrenal fatigue areas like the insides of my thighs, around my face, and I suddenly had bigger and bigger bat wings. My tummy got thick but my legs and arms stayed muscular. No one tells you that when you have CPTSD that's not yet healed, your body produces the fight-flight-freeze hormone of Cortisol ALLLLLL THE TIME!!! (look up Vagus Nerve too). YOU are lucky enough to NOT have a turn-off switch. My body was addicted to trying to defuse stress by BEING STRESSED! This is why the areas around my organs and lymph ended up with the most weight because my body was trying desperately to protect itself from the non-stop stress hormone. Basically, when we have peptide addiction from neglect and abuse in childhood, meaning our brain neurons only know how to function with high-stress and drama (putting out fires, worrying, feeling not good enough, etc.) it's a direct symptom of CPTSD. We can actually feel discomfort and out of our element if there isn't a problem to solve or a drama to deal with! Did I know I was doing all this? Nopers.
I had no idea my attraction to emergency medicine, law enforcement, and adrenaline inducing martial arts was because of how my brain learned to process stress as a child, gradually developing my CPTSD brain processes. I had no idea I was killing myself while trying to ignore my childhood wounding. Living life the way society (and my parenting) encouraged and trying to over-achieve, making money, raising a family with limited skills, all while navigating through life's ups-and-downs and IT WAS DESTROYING ME! I had to do something...
So, I retired.
At the age of 35...
This was twelve years ago, and the beginning of my true healing. I abruptly moved to Las Cruces, New Mexico and told myself it was for more sunshine. In essence, it was to run from my childhood, escape people and family-of-origin pain, keep my son safe from the streets of Burlington City, and make sure a restraining order against a predator was strictly enforced for my daughter's safety. I didn't want to blame anyone, we're all born into that which we don't choose, and most often by those who don't know what they're doing either! It's generally a “We did the best we could” type of situation. We're all trying to BE GOOD ENOUGH right? Trying to do better than those before us...BUT we come from those before us, lol. I knew I needed some tools, healing tools. This began my real work and the most rewarding of all my careers! Even though I was supposed to be retired. Ha!
My New Mexico beginnings excited me, I busied myself building a new home with my second husband, learning how to live on a fixed income while foster-parenting, getting my son and daughter into their schools, trying to learn how to live away from all I knew and missed in New Jersey. By the way, people get super pissed when you up and move. They're not thinking about you needing a better life or better health, they're thinking of their own abandonment triggers and that you took away their ability to have a say or control in what is happening. Ironically, I penned out a few books about love, heros, honor, and solving cases that helped me heal from traumas within law enforcement and martial arts. (Yes, writing CAN heal and yes, I published them).
I began spending a little more time on myself and learning to put my healing ahead of a few other things. This isn't easy as a mother, especially in a society that shuns soulfulness, marring it as selfishness, but I knew I wanted to be better for my kids and my future years. Trying to heal my body, attempting to change my brain neurons from childhood PTSD, and allowing my soul to come through and guide me were the beginnings of finding the real me and the start of the HARDEST WORK I'VE EVER DONE. And I'm still doing it, I'll always be growing and healing forward. It's how I finally found a way to truly HELP others, I just have to help me first...every day. I know my calling is to assist and heal others, I'll just never do it before my own needs again. I'd be spinning my wheels if I did.
Now, I am not a therapist, social worker, PhD, or anything of the sort so if titles are your thing, my apologies, I may not be your cup of tea. What I am, is someone born into a family of co-dependents, trying to survive their own traumas, having babies without the tools needed to do it properly but, like we're all trained to say, “They did the best they could.” This isn't a lie. We're all doing the best we can WITH THE TOOLS WE'RE GIVEN. I'll be sharing with you what did not work for me and what has changed my life for the better. We all could use tools to heal and I've decided to step up, be vulnerable, be the “black sheep” of my own family, and do some healing while sharing what works...and WHAT DOES NOT.
Now, do I get picked on? Oh my yes. Do I get judged and criticized? Of course. Do I get treated like I don't matter? Yep, even on holidays lol, but it's never from evolved family or friends. You see, we're all in it. Everyone is trying to survive, again, with the tools they've got. I learned forgiveness AND I learned that those who criticize reserve the MOST CRITICISM FOR THEMSELVES lol. It's just the nature of...well, hurt! Because-
Hurt people...HURT, people.
In my family, there was emotional neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse (mostly prescription), abandonment, self-esteem issues, molestations, verbal abuse, precocious sexuality, physical abuse, apathy, suppressed sexuality, financial abuse, silent abuse, illness abuse, NARCISSISM, mental abuse, Bi-polar, drama, manic depression, and a consistent stream of co-dependent dysfunction that stemmed from generations perpetuating the same behaviors because of “processing”. Sound familiar?
Have I broken the cycle?
Not entirely, but if I can continue to heal and grow, my truth can be the ripple effect as vast as tossing a small pebble in a pond. I'm worth it! My children are definitely worth it, and their children are sooooooo worth it! So, I had to accept the above truths in my family, I absolutely had to in order to make changes. You see, we learn to live the “fraudulence” not knowing that truth is removing fear, and everything we want is on the other side of fear! EVERYTHING...
Now, my family looked “normal” to the outside world. I even had friends who envied where I lived, how my parents provided for me, and my appearance. This was all external though, and we can all look great on the outside if that's where the focus is, yes? I didn't have the worst family, of course, there was love and many great things about our unit, we certainly tried but there were skills needed in order to ward off CPTSD. My parents were still navigating their own childhoods and trying to survive their own pain and trauma. I mean, we do blame our parents at certain times and can even decide we hate them, but not even that felt right for me. I loved my parents, and I'm one of those who advocates for removing your parents from your life if they aren't healthy for you, for survival's sake, but ultimately we love them even if we tell ourselves we don't (well, narcissists can't love, they have no capacity due to their personality disorder) I'm sure you get my drift lol. It has a lot to do with our attachment style. There are four, three being NOT healthy, and one being amazing. These are listed in my new book for reference.
I was a good kid. Too good really. This, I didn't know at the time, was a symptom of my CPTSD as well. Shocking right? Some go the other way, which can be their symptom. I didn't get bad grades, I never once ended up in the principal's office, I never even got into a fight in school. Yes, this was all school and performance-based because yay, I was predominately noticed for my “doing” not my “being” in our household.
I didn't really act out, there was one time I tried cigarettes and got caught by my mother. As you can imagine, that went over like a lead balloon. My mother teased and laughed at me about it in front of others and even ran to the phone to call my older brother to tell him I'd done “something” wrong finally...at fourteen. It hurt so deeply.
Side note: Did you know one of the biggest childhood traumas to try and heal from is being bullied? And in front of an audience, no less? But, being chastised and mocked by a parent, who's supposed to love you and keep you safe, is trauma at it's rawest form. (we'll get into that more later on).
My bullying ironically started at home, not at school. Crazy right? Luckily, I didn't go to school and take it out on others, instead, I learned to take mental abuse on and just keep on keepin' on. Incidences like this taught me how to stuff my feelings, feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH, ignore and accept betrayal, and worse, how to continue on with my developing brain into my CPTSD abyss. Now, I know getting caught smoking and being bullied isn't all that bad. Most would say, “Is that all, when I was young....” I was just giving a nice example. There were abandonment lessons, molestations I never told my parents about, domestic violence I had to watch when my parents weren't around, sexual explorations, and a shit-ton more my wee lil' brain was going through as it was developing. Hell, I had it easy compared to my older siblings, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I didn't get a first-class ticket for a seat on the flight to CPTSDville. It's not about who's childhood was worse than the others, ITS ABOUT HOW THE BRAIN LEARNS TO PROCESS!!!!!!!
It's not about who's childhood was worse, ITS ABOUT HOW THE BRAIN LEARNS TO PROCESS whatever the child thinks is trauma! This, my dear ones, is why CPTSD is what it is and we'll get more into that.
Somehow, I navigated through my teens unscathed but the serial co-dependence that developed and had me in love at fourteen, having great sex at sixteen (with that same person), and then marrying him at nineteen...did not grow into a healthy inner-dependence. At twenty-five, I found myself restless, a mother of a four-year-old, and in a marriage I couldn't seem to navigate or feel loved in after losing my first love, my father, to a scuba diving drowning accident.
This was a trauma I thought might kill me...
I literally felt as if my heart was ripping apart and I was going to go to sleep and not wake up. I believe it was my son, who I found out the day after my father drowned, I was carrying, that saved me. He gave me the will to live. I pushed everything aside because he and his father would need me to be strong.
I wanted my first husband to be my hero, to somehow save me and make it all okay. This was another awful trait I picked up somewhere in my childhood. We could blame Disney but, that won't do. My son's father was a boy himself, attempting to navigate the world as a covert narcissist (with a touch of bi-polar disorder) to which I had no idea about. I didn't have enough tools at the time to understand what was happening, so I ended up giving up on my high school sweetheart husband of five years (we were together 11 years total), breaking my little boy's heart in the process, and letting my CPTSD to take the wheel. My heart was broken in ways I could never understand because I didn't know at the time that I needed to develop self-love. I never developed self-love young and was a co-dependent in desperate need of a twelve-step program but at that time there was no such thing unless you were a substance use abuser. I was walking straight into my mid-twenties with no tools.
The one thing I can tell you about heartbreak and trauma after a divorce is, DON'T DATE! Don't do relationships unless it's with YOU. My heart shattered into more pieces. That whole “go sow your wild oats and get it out of your system” crap is nothing but societal bullshit that helps you stack on more and more baggage. It blinds you and further fuzzies-up the CPTSD processing. I should have been focusing on growing and healing and instead, I was searching for someone to love me when I wasn't even up to doing the job myself. This resulted in passionate sex with an EMT partner who was more like a brother (ugh), then wild sexual escapades with an emotionally unavailable cop (ugh + ugh), to dating with no-sex companions that distracted me (uuuuugh) and just helped me stack on more baggage! I had only two short years to heal before marriage #2 and heal I did not.
I didn't grow the way I should have and my vibration was at an all-time low, feeling the failures of a divorce, the unattended grief of losing my father, and the guilt of ruining my little boy's perfect world because of my own unhealed childhood trauma. I was at my worst, looking attractively at my best, thin, in shape, and in the police academy training against guys twice and three times my size! As a woman scorned with CPTSD, I fought twice as hard, out-shot, out-ran, out-drove, and out-copped in every way I could but, it wasn't enough to burying the pain I stuffed down deep inside. I had no idea CPTSD could look like sadness with a touch of anxiety. This lead to my attracting and meeting my second husband, a martial art master who fell in love with me at first sight (so he says, you know, because external looks are a great judge of character lol) and could teach me how to out-smart those tough guys in the academy and criminals on the street who thought a woman was weaker. Now, remember, I was looking for a hero in him, instead of finding the hero in ME. He and I were destined to cross each other's paths, energy begets energy, because we had the same childhood wounding, and so began the hardest and most painful love story of my life. The good news is, breakdowns are breakthroughs, and this man broke me in so many ways, the only way I could go was UP!
Through it all, I was still a really good person. I didn't drink much, I never did drugs, I didn't allow a sexual addiction or gambling into my world...instead, I became a junkee. My drug of choice? Helping others.
My Brain at Times:
Me: “Hello, my name is Dezi and I'm a Help-Others-Junkee.”
The world: “Hi Dezi.”
Me: “It's been thirty seconds since my last thought on others instead of myself. I'm also a serial co-dependent but working on that. Thanks for letting me share.”
The world: “Thanks Dezi, keep coming back, it works if you work it.”
Humor heals right?
Sorry, I side-tangent, my CPTSD brain does this at times. I call it “my weird”. I'll be sharing “my weird” from time to time. It's a side-effect of the processing and keeps life saucy! You'll learn through working on yourself that two things happen when you're on the healing side of things.
1. You forgive too easily and thank others for the hurts they caused you
2. You find humor in places you never thought possible
Anyway, this is where I really got into doing for others, being too available, working for the wrong bosses, putting out fires, dealing with drama, accepting adrenaline-type careers, putting up with family drama (a lot), and really developing my Help-Others-Junkee addiction, which today, I'm proud to say is for the positive healing that keeps me on track. Back then, I was using my co-dependent skills to medicate. I wanted to be needed so badly, to feel some semblance of worth, because I had no self-love and no one to really teach me that I was actually ALWAYS good enough. I had lots of friends, but no real deep connections. I was so stressed yet, I felt I could handle anything. My feeling was “Hell if I can survive my mother, heartbreak from the loss of my father, and heartbreak from failing at my marriage(s), I can handle anything!” I pushed and pushed, and stuffed my pain and trauma deeper and deeper and DEEPER down. What could go wrong right?
I had gone to counselors and therapists here and there, after age twenty-five because that's what we're conditioned to do, especially when husbands convince us that there is something really wrong with us. The lesson I learned here is:
Never Accept Criticism from Those You Wouldn't Go to for Advice!
(anyone who think it's all you...have four fingers pointing back at them. Remember that, lol)
So, off I went, always so eager to blame myself. On not one, but two separate occasions, I had therapists tell me (after months getting to know me) that I didn't really need to continue therapy! Another stated, “Dezi, you seem like a very well-adjusted young woman and mother, my assessment is your life would be so much better if you didn't sacrifice so much of your peace, to your mother and the spouse you have that's too much like her.” Apparently, there's this Imago Theory that we sometimes end up attracting to our most difficult parent in the hopes that, that person can help us with our early childhood wounding. Make is better or show the love we crave. THIS IS BULLSHIT. I actually thought marriage was about being a team, about helping each other heal through life's ups and downs. BUUUUUUUUT, when you come from similar wounding, there can then become a "power struggle" for attention...and sadly, being overly empathic is a sure-fire way to being second and feeling very abandoned.
The next therapist said, “You can keep coming to see me and I'll continue to feel guilty for taking your money because I really don't feel the problem is you, as much as those you allow to come before you. I'd prefer we grab a beer as friends and discuss how to help you remove the triggers you have in your life.” Now, I'm not writing this to belittle or bash anyone, I take full accountability for my choices and being peptide addicted to whom I'm challenged by. I do believe we must work on ourselves, and that others cross our path to force that very very work!
The other therapists I'd seen, never really addressed healing from my CPTSD, or could teach me about my spouses, and I'd often end up re-traumatized. The worst therapist I experienced, was a male social worker posing as a therapist, who allied against me after being hired by my “male party” and in the middle of a huge breakdown, I was cut me off and shushed, so things didn't get out of hand. I remember thinking "this pussy just added to my trauma". I thank him today, but when it happened I was appalled and even more traumatized than before meeting him. He had triggered me back to when my feelings weren't “okay” or validated when I was little. The old, “Are you crying? If you wanna cry, I'll really give you something to cry about.” I don't know of anything more crushing than when a parent lets their kid know their emotions aren't convenient and should be stuffed away...because, well because they themselves can't be present and let their child be human and feel. If you ever get a chance to read "Conscious Parenting" do so, it's about parents NOT making their children's lives about them, basically telling adults to get their heads out of their asses before bringing children into the world. Fabulous book. Wish I'd found it before putting my kids through the hell of my "learning".
Of course, childhood is always brought into these sessions along with relationship issues but, not once did I ever hear that I needed to go back and deal with my childhood trauma “processing” before being able to correct my adulthood behaviors. I never took anti-depressants or medicine, even when therapists recommended. If I'd known the healing effects of weed for my CPTSD and anxiety, I probably would've toked up at age ten lol! But, we live in a society where everything is illegal until someone realizes how to regulate and funnel all the money from it (oops, let me shut my face about that lol). And, as a good kid and an officer, I didn't dabble in drugs. So basically, I went forward and tried to survive everything. We can go years and years and years with stress but eventually we get to a place where we can no longer hold the plates in the air and they all come crashing down. Again I'll say it,
BREAKDOWNS are BREAKTHROUGHS
so be vulnerable and let nature happen. It was when I began allowing my vulnerable childhood CPTSD to teach me, that life started to turn around. I thank my failures today. I thank my breakdowns. I'm a believer that if we do not address what we must heal on our journey, life will throw speed bumps along our path to SLOW US DOWN and force change.
Plain and simple.
Sadly, we don't slow down in this country until there is a health crisis! It's as if we work our entire lives for money only to have to use that money to recover our health later. Sucks. Nowhere in that is there happiness. You know what creates happiness?
The TRUTH and Self-Love. Both have brought the best to my life.
So, I was at a place in life where I had to begin putting myself first or I was going to lose my health. Doctors pushed drugs which I'm not into. To me, medicine (from 10,000 years back) was originally made from herbs and plants that worked. Today, they're made from those herbs and plants AND filled with toxins that force the need for more medicine to deal with the side-effects of the original medicine! I just couldn't afford to stress my body even more. (recent diagnosis of MTHFR gene said no added toxins). Therapists are great but, it was really re-traumatizing to me to use "talk-therapy" and force me to focus on the past “symptoms” instead of healing my core wounding. I was at the mercy of my health issues and began researching my conditions. Every single symptom I experienced could be researched back to STRESS and my childhood CPTSD.
And stress was the original culprit for why I had developed my CPTSD processing in my childhood. Basically, I was on my way to an auto-immune disorder (where the body starts to attack itself) if I didn't find ways to address my core issues and limit stress. In my research, I've found much of my cortisol induced stress was from CPTSD-brain and how it processed triggers. (See my latest book Guide to Surviving CPTSD on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.)
I had no choice but to deal with my childhood and find ways to live a healthier life despite my little beginnings. Learning to PROCESS differently has been almost brutal, like learning to write left-handed cursive when your whole life you've written right-handed print. I can tell you though, I'm in the best years of my life and finally excited for every day that comes about!
My name is Dezi and I'm a serial Help-Others-Junkee. I hope what has helped me learn to live a happier, more fulfilled life (and yes, I'm still a student of life) will reach you and help you as well. Namaste...