Dear Dezi: No Respect!!

Dear Dezi,

My ex is on his third girlfriend after me. It's been 2 1/2 years and he still has no respect. He calls, texts, and drops by my house when I don't want him to. I don't want to hear about his relationships or his sexual problems. He left me! You were in law enforcement, should I take that step?

Adrianna L., Needing Respect in El Paso, TX

Dear Needing Respect in El Paso,

Thank you for inquiring. I'll try to help as this is common amongst my clients and my work within Intimacy Life Coaching.

As I decipher your sentences, I get the feeling that you are not only frustrated and angry, which is well within your right, but also that there are some boundary issues. Now, we know that narcissists have no boundaries, so we must enforce ours even more. The fact you know he's on his third girlfriend after you (I'd say sorry, but I really feel you dodged a bullet) lets me know that you are monitoring his life, have access to his information, or listen to him when he calls, texts, or comes by. This is where he's getting the idea that he doesn't have to respect whatever rules and boundaries you state because somehow you are being lenient with your own respect yes?

Now, hang on, I'm not "blaming the victim" here, just merely trying to suggest you tighten the laces on your walking shoes. NO CONTACT is always recommended when it comes to narcissist personality types because IT WORRRRRRRKS. If the a**hole can call, text, and swing by still...then he can choose at any time to get that attention from you WHICH is his full intention. Remember, NPDs are all about attention.

He probably knows how to bait-and-hook you by complaining about his latest sexual conquest or relationship issue because he knows you have a need, inside you, to feel that you were better than anyone he could possibly ever end up with. Try not to fall for this mind-game. You ARE Better, that's why it couldn't work with him. He already had you so he's studied you and knows what buttons to push. My advice? Cut all ties, all contact, ALL thought about him. And I know this is difficult because of the peptide addiction that's been allowed to continue. That will get less, and less, and less, bothersome as you feel the freedom from not having your thoughts hijacked by this wanker.  I know you've been abused in devastating and relentless ways without you even having to tell me about the dynamics of the relationship. But again, you did win my dear, so I'm going to focus on that and send you congratulatory vibes!!

Lastly, the law enforcement piece. I'm not sure what you'll want to do to ensure he gets the message but I'm pretty sure if you focus on your 50% of the situation with 100% no contact, he'll eventually lose interest. I can tell you that narcissists DO NOT like the wrong attention, especially public embarrassment or their behaviors being written in forever documents. I'd hope you wouldn't have to take it that far. Please know though, if you do, there are many judges that have no patience for parties who don't enforce the boundaries they sign for in court papers, so be sure you're ready to follow rules if you're asking that authorities enforce them. Restraining orders mean NO texts, no calls, no being within a certain amount of feet, no anything...

I commend you for reaching out for help and for stepping forward. I hope this helps. Onwards and upwards is what I see for you now. Should you need any more help with YOUR healing, I'm am so here for you. I respect those with the courage to make themselves a priority and Feel-Deal-Heal their way to making the world better.

Here if ya need me,